A brand new year, a new day, and a sad beginning. That is exactly how I felt as I gathered myself this morning and dressed for church. I knew that the message would be full of freshness. All the right beginnings for a new year. A happy start; but that is not where God met me this morning. I promise that right now I feel that if I were not chasing Him so hard at this point, He is definitely chasing me. No matter where I turn He is there. With the perfect words, message or arms. From the devotional book I read daily from a coworker to the Sunday morning message at a church I have never attended, He Is There!! The message full of new beginnings was directed at the new beginning today that is all part of God's perfect plan. It spoke of the hard times of 2011, the sadness, the good times and the happy ones. The need for a new beginning in Christ. The gift that he gave us that said I will walk this year with you. A resolution to begin new, a promise that God uses all things to the good of those who believe. And that is me, a believer no doubt, as hard as it is at times like these. Yes I have yelled and screamed at God for this, I have cried out in my pain that He could have saved my girls, why did this have to happen. But He knows that, and each time He has met me right there. Right where I stand in my anger. As a book that I am currently reading puts it, He is there saying "Bring it to me." With each cry out, with each tear, with each outburst of fear or anger, with each moment of joy or sadness, BRING IT TO ME! A message this morning for me to lay it down at the altar, leave it at His feet, and just like the dirty clothes I take off each night and leave at the end of the bed, He promises to pick it up and put it on. He promises to bear this burden for me, to walk in the pain beside me, if only I will let Him. So I must try as difficult as it is, especially in the days to come. Dear Lord, I cry out, please come to me, hold me and comfort me.
I get into my car to drive home with the kids and we listen to praise music as we drive the block home. And then I see it, a package placed on my front porch this morning after we left for church. I wondered what it could be. I picked it up and brought it inside. There on the top was a card. I opened it and began to read and as I did that is exactly where God met my tears. A promise from a coworker to remember my girls. Ornaments with their names and a gift basket. A message of we miss you at work and will be there to help you through this as you return. A message of the love of God reaching out to carry me. You see one of my biggest fears is that others will forget. Forget that they were my daughters, my husbands daughters, my children's sisters. As I shared with Grayson and Evan through my tears as I read the card, part of what makes me so anxious and saddened is just that... that others won't remember. But she did, this coworker that I haven't even know for long, she remembers them, by name! And that my friends is God working in my healing process. Him meeting me right where I am at any given moment, even this morning as I am forced to start anew. Thank you Ellen, for the gift of your heart that you so kindly left at my door for me this morning.
Happy New Year Girls! I Love you!