Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Wednesday, February 8, 2012


I have just made it back home from my Bible study this morning, a Beth Moore study on the book of James. It is currently week three and it has been great. But today I tell you, today was almost more than my heart could handle. I spent the 15 minute drive back home just trying to catch my breath. The scripture was from

John 16:20-24
"20 Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. 21 A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. 22 So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. 23 In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 24 Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete."

Beth's message, well you just have to see if to believe it, especially if you are a grieving mother! You can download it from the website to view. It's session three and I just can't spoil it for you.

As I was driving home I was reminded of a question that I received earlier this week from a coworker that observed me reading my Bible. She asked me about it and then asked "What is it that you feel you get from it?" Well friends, let me tell you, today, Jesus picked me up, wrapped me in swaddling clothes, and held me like a baby." You can't get much more from it than that!

Thank you Jesus!


I usually do not post two times in one day but I had to share here what I shared with my facebook friends this morning. After I posted What I Know this am, I went upstairs to lay down after working last night. I picked up my devotional book that I treasure dearly since November and this is what God had for me.

As I said this morning, I know without a shadow of a doubt , God is in this!

Tonight if you are reading this, I am asking that you pray for a very special family that is preparing to meet their preterm baby girl.  Pray specifically for comfort and peace.  For there is something very Victorious about this baby!

Numbers 6:25-26

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

What I Know

I am writing this post this morning for two reasons:  my heart is heavy and I know that there are people that will be looking here for answers about the night I had being that it was very emotional for me.

I want to start by saying that I know without a doubt that God is in this!  He has a purpose, but His purpose doesn't make my pain any less today.  It doesn't make people wonder any less about what exactly is it that continues to hold you such hostage to your emotions.  Why you aren't at least a little better by now.  The answer is I don't really have an answer, all I can tell you is how I feel so here goes....

  • I know that a mother's love was something I thought I  knew a lot about before we lost our girls, but God has shown me that I knew very little.  It is so much bigger than you could ever imagine.
  • I know that as loving human beings, when we lose someone we love and attend a visitation at a funeral home we hope that we never have to go there again, yet everyday I walk into the hospital, it is like walking through the doors of that funeral home.
  • I know that I am wearing clothes that I have not worn in I don't know when because somewhere thirty-five pounds worth of food was just too difficult to eat.
  • I know that my eyes are so tired and teary that they hurt to blink.
  • I know that I have prayed so long and so hard that at times I have prayed..".Lord forgive me because today I am just too tired to pray."
  • I know that my heart and arms still long for a baby.
  • I know that a little bit of makeup and a curling iron can hide a lot of things.
  • I know that heartache makes others uncomfortable.
  • I know that my God is gracious enough to promise me that I will be with my girls again one day.

And finally I know this...

That even in my very most brokenness, God lays thankfulness on my heart.  Thankful for my husband, Glenn and my two beautiful children Grayson and Evan that are with me at home each day.  Thankful for a family that I may have never know had it not been for Annalise and Emmalyn.  And thankful this morning for a very special baby girl and the doctor that was brave enough to save her. 

Oh what I wouldn't give to be 28weeks 4 days!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

God's Purposefulness

Oh how I am so happy to be here writing.  I have relied heavily on God to show what to write here and lately I have not had much so I have not posted.  But oh how He delivered this week.  This week started off rough for me, to the point that on Thursday was a complete breakdown of spirit and body for me.  Totally debilitating!!  I have prayed earnestly all week for God to hold me, show me His mercy, to let me know that He was present at all.  I really struggled with that this week.  If God is in this, then where was He?  Through my quiet time with God this week, my study of His Word, my earnest prayers and a visit with a most special friend, God taught me much about Psalm 46:10

 "Be still, and know that I am God."

After my complete meltdown on started in Thursday, I received a text from my dear friend Dawn.  I have to share with you that Dawn and I met what seems like many moons ago now but in reality was only 13 short years ago when we worked part time in The Disney Store in Charleston.  I actually knew her before I knew my husband.  She was in our wedding and was my closest friend during my time in Charleston.  After Glenn and I married we moved away and several yrs later they (Dawn and her husband) moved back to the St. Louis area where she grew up.  Little did we know our paths would meet again in such a profound way right here in St. Louis.  Anyway.... Dawn has been God's faithful servant to me me during this time of great sadness and daily sends me a text with a scripture verse that God has laid on her heart to share with me and what God has led her to pray for me about on that specific day.  She is also very interested with anything that I may offer to her for her prayers for us.  And I mean my entire family, she prays for all of our needs.  So she said she was off work on Friday and come come visit if I would like her too.  I had not seen her since shortly after we moved here (Thanksgiving 2010)  even though we were so excited to be close again and said we would get together often.  I wasn't sure if I would feel like it on Friday but I said yes because I knew if I woke on Friday and just couldn't do it, that would be okay with her.  We spent most of the morning talking about Annalise and Emmalyn, our faith, strength and struggles.  But the main topic of conversation became God's purposefulness.  A friend that He put in her path for me, the scripture that God leads us too, insomnia that leads to special time with Him in prayer, and a text message that God about a prayer that God specifically answered to the second.  She also pointed out a strength that I have only been able to see as a weakness.  Since losing the girls I have chosen not to have any type of alcohol at all.  No glass of wine, no beer and no mixed drink at all!  I have hurt so bad that I can definitely understand why people turn to alcohol or other means of numbing the pain.  I did not even want to be tempted.  Where I saw this as a weakness, Dawn was quick to point out that my strength was in the fact that I chose not to let myself be tempted to turn to something other than my God, because the number of people that allow themselves to fall away from God and into addiction is astounding.  We shared many tears and I was very sad when our time together ended.  She had provided a glimpse of God for me.

Then today happened.  I got up early and fixed breakfast for the family before we went to church, and no not cereal or bagels, a real breakfast.  As everyone sat and ate, I suggested that we do something together as a family after church like go to a movie.  You really have to know me and know how bad I hate to go to the movies to know what a God thing that was in and of itself.  I would never suggest a movie!  Furthermore, I did not even have a clue what movies were playing at the theater.  Could not have named one.  We went to church (the message itself was great and the music, I just love good music), had lunch at California Pizza Kitchen and then headed to the theater.  The only movie even playing at the time we arrived was The Big Miracle.  Everything else had already started or not another show until 4pm.  So in we went.  This is probably where you want to stop reading if you haven't seen the movie because this is where Grayson would give me a "spoiler alert".  The movie is about a family of three whales (dad, mom and baby) that are trapped under a big sheet of ice that has formed over the ocean with only a small hole to come up for air that is quickly freezing over as well.  It becomes the mission of the people to make a way for them to get free and into the open ocean.  By the way the movie is based on a true story.  The grandfather is very in tune to the whales and at one point lies on the ice and tries to get his grandson to listen to the whales under the water.  This is the first place God grabbed me.  He talks about the calming sound of the mother whales noises.  How purposefully comforting she makes them in order to calm the baby whale during this time of great fear;  not knowing whether or not they are going to survive as they sense time is running out.  How it is her job to comfort her baby through times of fear and even asks his grandson "what do you think she is saying to him?"  Here is where it gets good.... remember my earlier post about the questions I had concerning the girls having pain?  And the answer from Dr. Paul, "I believe there is sensation in utero. That includes the sensation of security and comfort."  Oh how beautiful that became to me today.  A feeling that in some way my voice was comforting to my girls during their last moments here with us.  How purposeful God is!!  The story goes on and the whales are hesitant to move from the hole to the open waters even thought the people are making a way for them.  Then finally something changes and they move, only the baby is not with them.  The baby whale has not survived and the tears began to roll.  Now it was time to move forward, without the one they had fought so hard to comfort.  I could never, ever give justice to the story line with my words so please, please go see it.  But in the end the other two whales are rescued from the ice and there is a beautiful story of freedom to be seen.  God touched my heart, well our hearts (not that a man would ever have tears at a movie; hint, hint) in a big way through this movie's storyline.  He did exactly what I have been on my knees begging Him to do all week.  He showed up, in a BIG way!!


"God is mighty, but does not despise men; he is mighty, and firm in His purpose."  Job 36:5

Dear God,  Thank you for showing up even when my faith is lacking.