It has been ten months today since i last held my little girls. Someone asked me recently if I was beginning to feel things start to really come back with full emotion as I begin to approach the birthday of Annalise and Emmalyn. It did not take long for me to give her an answer. The truth is no. I cannot say that I do because the pain today is just as raw as it was on that day. There are still daily reminders of all the things we will miss. No baby dedication at church, no birthday parties, no dance classes, no double strollers, no extra room needed for vacations, no story time and tickle time and all the other things we remember so fondly about raising Grayson and Evan. There is still great sadness for all of us and tears when I least expect them sometimes. There is still hurt and anger and emptiness and sorrow and wondering and fear and eyes that you just can't see behind. There are still odd interactions with family and friends and coworkers. I still want to hold my girls. But in spite of all that, I know a God of Hope. One that is carrying me through the bittersweet even when I am angry. A God that is in all the details and a God that one day will invite me home to hold my girls. Until then I believe there is work to be done here. Work that I may never have taken on without the brief life of my girls. Work that is truly passion.