Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Permission to have an Angry Day

Today I have given myself permission to have an angry day because I was going to have one even if I didn't agree to it.  I guess I felt if I gave myself permission, I wouldn't feel so bad about it.  Sometimes there are things that I find really make me more sad than anything, but in turn it makes me angry that I feel so sad.  Today has been full of those moments.  While I am genuinely happy for others, my pain is just so deep.  I am not going to talk about specifics because I would in no way want to hurt anyone because of the happiness in their lives.  They deserve it.  And they is totally about me, not them. 

Lord please help me in my anger, and hurt!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

"Space for Grace"

It has been a few days since I have been here to write and share my heart but during that time I have been seeking earnestly and learning much.  God has provided several key points for me to ponder this week.  There is much to be learned, especially during times of trials.  The first things that I want to share is a reality that I have learned much about during my lifetime, especially since losing Annalise and Emmalyn.  Everything has a cost!  EVERYTHING!!  Life, love, happiness, mercy, grace, and lets not forget the one thing that cot more than all else, the death and resurrection of our Savior.  I have had many opportunities to put myself in Mary's place.  To think about the agonizing pain she felt as she lay at the foot of the cross, knowing that she was losing her son.  The pain she must have felt to watch as He took His last breaths. The suffering she endured over the next three days.  Oh how I know her pain.  How I in some ways have been in her sandals.  How I have worn her grief.  How thankful I am for her pain at the same time.  I know it sounds strange and don't get me wrong, I so wish she could have been spared that pain, because it is awful.  No pain is greater than the pain of losing a child.  But you she, it is because she had to endure such pain, that my girls went straight to Heaven.  Her loss, was our gain.  In the most precious way ever imaginable.  So for Mary's pain, I am thankful.

In church on Sunday, the sermon was about going forth and shine our light into the world.  Focusing on how to do that in the midst of such pain has been difficult for me.  It is so easy during times like this to turn inward and lose yourself in yourself.  To focus on only yourself and your loss.  At times I think that can be valuable and even necessary.  But as I was listening to the sermon being presented, the pastor said something that just jumped out at me.  We must learn how to endure the burning yet not be consumed in order to go forth and shine our light.  For any light to shine, it must first endure the burning.  That is what I have been praying for this week.  That somehow in the midst of this great loss, God will teach me how to endure without being consumed in order to make a difference somewhere in this world.  That is not an easy task.  You see he also pointed out that we live in a society today with the safest realities in all of the world yet the most anxious perception.  That anxiety drives our fear and fear separates us from God.  Lord please help me to endure.

Finally I want to share with you about my experience today with a group of women in a new Bible study that I have started on the book of James by Beth Moore.  It is a rather large group of women, of which six of us share a table together.  Today we had the opportunity to share a little about putting our feet to our faith.  Whether it be in someone you know that exemplifies it or a personal search to.  While sharing I was briefly shared my desire to find God's meaning in all of this and to give me the ability to take it forward and make a difference.  As I shared tears with women I don't even know, they reached out for my hands and asked could they pray for me, and that is exactly what they did.  I felt God's love all over me.  From women I don't even know.  A new spiritual family as Beth describes.  God continued to speak to me as we listened to Beth's message.  And this is what she says,

"every single problem, heartache, trial that we have is there to make a space for grace.  Will we let it continue to be hollow, or will we let Him fill it up?  The power of the resurrection means that nothing but the tomb is meant to be empty." 

So my prayer for the coming days is that God will help me to feel less empty.  That He will teach me to be still and know that He is God.  That He will fill my space with grace.

"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.  The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."  Psalm 46:10-11

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Answered Prayers

Yesterday was a weird day for me as I just wasn't feeling anything at all.  No sadness, no happiness, thankfulness, sorrow, NOTHING!  Absolutely nothing.  And then when I went to bed a prayed hard and honest about it along with some other prayers about a few other important things happening in my life.  This morning I got up and read my Bible then layed back down because I had been awake all night with the nightmares that so frequently haunt me these days.  When I got up and went to pick Grayson up from school, I received a phone call.  When I answered it was Evan's teacher was on the other end.  My heart dropped as I was worried he may be in trouble.  You know how it is when you get a call from a school teacher.  She assured me right off that it was a good phone call, that she had called to brag on Evan for his leadership in class today and his positive attitude in their class meeting today when they were discussing a bullying problem they are having in their class.  Oh how proud I was and it was a huge answer to a direct prayer from last night!  Much to my surprise He also answered another pray of financial concern for me as I was dreading having my windshield replaced and the cost associated with it after having been out of work for some time.  The wonderful part of His answers to my prayers was this....

it was not each individual answer to these issues that was so important to me, but rather the answer to a greater question that I prayed last night as I lay in bed.  "God where are you?"  That was my struggle last night.  Where is God in all of this.  Especially since I was just feeling nothing last night.  But today He was once again faithful and showed me exactly where He was.  Just as much in the the little things of my day to day life as He is the big things! 

Thank you Jesus that even when we are faithless, You are Faithful!

Monday, January 16, 2012

I'm Not Strong Enough

Today I just can't do this!! I don't know how Lord!  My heart and my arms just ache!  The tears are like a waterfall.  I need you to hold me & be strong enough for both of us! 

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."  Revelation 21:4

Saturday, January 14, 2012

God's Grace

I have been trying to write this for two days but the words would just not come.  I was at a complete loss for what to write even after being able to complete an entire 12 hour shift on Thursday night and now one again last night.  But after last night and the time that I have had to reflect upon it and some of the conversations that I have had, I know exactly why.  I have been waiting for God's guidance and He has delivered.  (In more areas than one.)

First I want to start with my nights...they were tough but at least like I said I felt God had given me somewhat of a heart to put back into it.  There were many tears and hugs and even sometimes where I felt hurt and overwhelmed.  But in those moments I just closed my eyes and called out to God, "I need you right now."  And He did not fail me.  I had a grace for my patients that I don't think I have ever quite felt before and that was reassuring.  I still am uncertain about my future but He's providing just enough for me today and right now today is where I need Him. 

The last three days have been extremely painful for me when thinking about the girls.  Some of you may be able to relate and others not.  Often times at night when all is quiet and dark, satan uses that time to really jump on our backs and he took full advantage of my fears the past three days.  He put an obsession on me that has been very difficult to shake.  My fear became that in some way my girls experienced pain as they died in my womb.  That some how they hurt.  I have to be honest and say that in all my years working L&D and NICU, I know I have never thought of that at all.  I have often wondered what babied thought while they were inside, but never once thought about any pain they may have.  So I had to know.  I knew what I believed spiritually and I even began to question that, which is why it was so painful for me; but medically I needed to know.  Even though I know the physiology of babies at certain gestations, I had questions.  Thankfully, God but a physician in our lives that not only cares about our physical well being but also the spiritual and I can trust him to give me honest answers.  So I sent him a message being that I couldn't just come out and ask him as we talked without sobbing.  Needless to say, God came through in his answer.

 "I don't believe they feel pain when they die of natural causes.  I do believe there is sensation in utero.  That includes the sensation of security and comfort."  - Dr. Paul

Oh how I am holding on to those words right now.  That even though I could not do anything to save my babies, somehow they felt comfort and security.  Exactly what my heart was trying to believe but my mind just wouldn't let it.  It's amazing how God uses others to speak His truths to our hearts.

And Dr. Paul wasn't the only one God used to speak to me last night.  He used another friend to help me put a face to some of the other things that I have been feeling but not able to express.  This friend, not that many years ago experienced an illness with her child that they feared my take his little life away from her.  And during that time she fought through many feelings and emotions.  One that she really struggled with was her anger at God.  And I would not be being honest with you if I told you that I too have not been angry with God.  Because I have.  Lots of anger directed his way.  Screaming at Him in my car, in the bathtub where ever I might be at any given moment when that anger overwhelms me.  I don't understand!!  I just don't .  But His word tells us,

"You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."  John 13:7

I HAVE to believe that or I could so easily let myself go to a dark place that I never want to be again.  She went on to tell me a story and her feelings about it that put words to my feelings that I just hadn't been able to find.  She told me that when her son was sick, a family member had held a moment of silence one night at a ball game to pray for her son.  And that later after he was better someone had talked about the number of lives that had been changed and the believers that came to Christ all because of her precious child.  But as she shared her response with me,  my heart just broke because she was so human, so honest and so me!  She shared that what she was really feeling was that she was not as big as God. She didn't want to sacrifice her child's health for all of those people. And neither did I! Not for anyone!  I know that sounds not very Christlike, but it is the truth, and I think God understands that. I don't think he expects us to. What I do think is that He wants us to bring that hurt to Him. To just lay it all out for Him. To tell Him that it is not in our hearts to do that, and let Him deal with it from there. As selfish as it feels, I needed my babies and she needed her son as much as I feel others need Christ. My heart questions why we should suffer so badly in order for others to be saved? That is what Jesus came for. So yes I am angry, hurt and unwilling and that is where this verse comes to play.
"He must become greater, and I must become less." John 3:30
Because this is were healing takes place. When God is bigger than we could ever imagine. And for that to happen, we have to go to Him raw in heart.   I am forever grateful that she shared her story with me and am even more grateful that God heard her prayers even when she didn't feel like praying and has her precious baby boy to hold at night.  (And when I say precious I mean it; you should just see and hear about him!)

Finally God worked to convict me in the face of hurt feelings.  There is a person I have always thought of as a friend that had not spoken to me at all.  Of course the human side of me, made it all about me.  How hurt I was that she had not spoken to me, not ever even thinking about what she may be going through.  After feeling God urge me to make the first move I did.  And come to find out it had nothing to do with me but everything to do with a pain that she was feeling.  You see she is pregnant and has had a loss in the past that I was not aware of.  So fear is in her heart and mind.  And that I understand.  All I could do was put my arms around her and tell her that I loved her and that I would be praying for her.  Because I understand.  I know how afraid she is and when I got home I wept for us both as I prayed God would surround her and protect her baby.  I was also reminded of a message I received on facebook from a friend that said the same thing.  Apologizing for the delay in her message because the pain of her past losses was just too much.  I get that!!  It all made perfect sense.  Often times we shy away from sharing with others because of our own pain.  So for me I am going to pray that God will not allow me to shy away.  That he will use me and our story to Glorify His Name.  To touch someone else when and where they need it.   That somehow I will be able to realize that it is not about me!  Please as you read this, pray for my friend.

In closing, tonight we went out to dinner and when we sat down, we were seated right beside a family that had a set of twins that appeared to be about 15 months old.  My first thought was great, and I even told Glenn, of course they had to sit us here.  Then it came, an overwhelming desire to close my eyes and pray for those babies and that is exactly what I did.  I prayed for God's protection and love over them and then silently prayed with tears in my eyes that God would put a band aid on my heart long enough to stop the bleeding and thanked Him for my girls, Annalise and Emmalyn.  For the love that they brought to our family.

"Father I thank you that you have heard me."  John 11:41

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Tonight I will once again return to work but this time with an open heart.  I have done much more praying over my job because it has for so long been such a part of who I am.  I have had many suggestions about job change, career change, going part time, staying at home, relocating, etc. which have probed a very deep investigation of my heart and much fervent prayer.  I have come to realize that although the circumstances are difficult, labor and delivery really is part of me, part of my soul and I can't imagine doing anything else.  So over the last week I have prayed hard for God to help me feel ready to go back.  And He has answered that prayer to the extent possible.  I don't know that one could ever truly be ready to face the place they last were with their loved ones, especially their children, but somehow I believe it is going to be part of my healing process.  How I don't know?  Why?  I don't know either.  Of course I don't even know why this whole thing happened.  But today after a long talk with an old friend, I am thankful for one very specific miracle that my God gave me that made it even possible for my precious girls to make their way into our lives and hearts!  I am thankful for the great grace an.d mercy of my God that assures me even on my darkest days that my Annalise and Emmalyn are in the loving arms of God, enjoying the things that I could never have provided for them here on earth no matter how hard I tried.  And the blessed assurance that one we will all be together again as family. 

In closing if you are reading this today, please pray for me tonight as I will spend 12 hours in the place I have dreaded for 2 months now.  The place that I just know in my heart God is going to show up with me and do a Mighty Healing in my life.  The place where my girls made their entrance into this sinful world we live in but never had to experience it's pain or sadness.  A place that for some reason today I am a slight nit thankful for in spite of my mourning.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Music for the Soul

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings; we pray for peace
Comfort for family; protection while we sleep
We pray for healing; for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need,
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things.

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops,
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom; Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we can not feel You near
We doubt Your goodness; we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us; when darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy.
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Monday, January 9, 2012

A Joyous Day

Tonight I am awake after a somewhat successful day enjoying my family.  Lots of laughs and love.  I guess God just knew I needed a break today.  His Grace has been bountiful today.  But the devil lies in wait for the darkness.  That is the time when my mind starts to wander and wonder at the same time.  Everything becomes jumbled up in to one big mess that is like a ball of yarn tangled beyond help.  And that is what I begin to feel like.  Tangled beyond help.  And prayer is great but sometimes I have to say I still feel alone.  So I decided to read a book about prayer.  Right at this moment I can not even tell you the name of it as my short term memory loss is kicking in but I have learned two very important things about prayer.  God wants us to come to Him like children.  For a childlike nature is what we need in so many ways.  Even our prayer lives.  God wants us to come to Him messy!  Yes you heard me correctly; messy.  There is no need to clean ourselves up and then go to God.  For if that's the case we must think we are capable of doing it on our own and don't need God.  Take Him the messy....because we can not fix it without Him.  And that is just what children do when they pray.  They just lay it all out there, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The ask for what they want, they tell about their day, they reach for what they think might be impossible.  (As I have learned, the only limited on God are the ones I try to impose.)  This is one area I am going to be in prayer prayer life.  Although it is there, it is not always strong and often my mind wanders all over the place especially since we lost the girls...and especially at night.  Like tonight as I was praying about my day, the guilt began to overwhelm me that I had actually had a pretty nice day.  How could I have had a nice day without my girls?  That's purely God's Grace!!  I want to go to Him messy and walk away messy in one less area so that I am driven to go back for more.  I want to experience Jesus Christ as my Father not as a follower.  I want to know Him so deeply that it physically hurts to not be in communion with Him. 

As I have searched over the past few weeks for comfort in my Bible, in books, prayers, and words of friendship from others, I was honored to receive and email from Angie Smith the author of "I Will Carry You."  Her book has been very heartbreaking but beautiful and encouraging.  But her word for me was "Prayer".  The best advice and comfort she could offer was prayer.  Just keep praying.  And so I will.... continue to pray fervently to the God of all creation, the one who holds my girls, knowing that one day He too will hold me right along with them.

Tonight I want to ask for a special prayer from you who are reading this blog whether you know me or not.  This is a special prayer for my dear husband Glenn.  While I have sometimes silently/sometimes not so silently been battling with my grief, it was brought to my attention that he has had to be the strong one for all of us.  And man has he been strong!  I'm not even sure how he has done it.  But tonight as we were talking about some important things in life he voices that he had not had the time he needed to deal with this yet.  And that I understand.  So I would ask you to pray that God will provide him with the place and the time to work on his own healing.  Because it is important for him, for us and for our family.  He is such a special man to me and I hate that he is having to go through this.  I hate that we are all having to go through this, but we all know men handle grief differently that women.  I want him to know he can share and cry and be weak in my arms and in Gods  That we will get through this together  The three of us.

Dear Father,

I open up my heart to you tonight in its messy state.  You know where I am standing and thankfully not everyone else does.  I don't want to come to you spiritually, I want to come messy and ask for your grace.  Father I lay my dear husband at your feet, in the hopes that he will lay his burdens down for you to carry.  For I know and you know it is more that either of us can carry alone.  But I am asking you to be "Strong enough, for both of us".  Bless our hearts that they may grow closer to you and closer to each other.  Bless our children each in their own special ways and needs.  How wonderful it is to know that two of our girls are safe from all harm.  No more tears, no more sorrow, no more pain only Heavens perfection.  Bless Grayson and Evan beyond measure in this life we have.  And from the bottom of my heart I ask you to walk deeply with me and my heart as there are times that I do not even know where the next step will lead or why. 

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  Psalm34:18

Friday, January 6, 2012

With Great Thanks

I have not visited here in the past several days as a result of the grief that has taken over since my return to work.  I did complete one full twelve hour shift but just was not able to do it again last night.  The sad part is that for as long as I can remember Labor and Delivery has just been a part of me and now I'm not even sure I want to do it anymore.  I am extremely overwhelmed and thankful for all of the support I have gotten on this journey the past three days.  It has been very comforting yet my heart still aches like you would not believe.  Even yesterday morning as I drove home from work, I received several messages from those that had prayed for me most of the night.  One specific message from a friend here in St. Louis that I have know since before I married my husband, Dawn.  She has been special to me for many years ans for many reasons.  She spoke of this verse:

"For I am the Lord, your God,who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."  Isaiah 41:13

And then she pointed me to Proverbs 31 Ministries where they posted this quote from Corrie Ten Boom

 "When God allows extraordinary trials for His people, He prepares extraordinary comforts for them."

The tears just rolled so hard I was not even sure I could make it home, but when I did, my sweet husband was there waiting with open arms.  Lord thank you so much for Him.  My mom and dad continue to call and the pain is just too bad to talk.  All I can manage is a text and even that is painful.  I can still see them there holding our girls and wanting to hold me yet I just couldn't let them because all I wanted to do was hold Annalise and Emmalyn.  Oh the pain my mother must feel.

I am thankful that God has used my blog to touch the lives of those with pain buried deep inside.  For those that just needed to talk about there experience, and for those that truly just wanted to see deep into my heart.  The numbers have been astounding and I pray that they continue to grow.  Everyone's story is just as important as mine and I am thankful to hear them. 

Dear Lord,

As I spend time with you this morning, you know that once again tonight I must face the unbearable.  You know that I don't want to do it!  But I know that you are strong enough for both of us.  That you too have felt my pain not only when you lost your Son, but when I lost my girls and every day as long as my pain continues.  Please comfort me and my family in a way that only you can.  Hold us in your arms along with Annalise and Emmalyn.  Shower your love down upon us like the fresh fallen snow in the beauty of winter.  I love you Lord. Amen

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The First Step

Today was a very big day for me as I knew that I had to at least try to do something I was not sure I would be able to do.  I started off going to a meeting that really is not until next week but gave me some extra time by missing it.  I was not even sure how long the task would take so I texted my dear husband to let him know that I was not sure when I would be home but that I was okay.  I needed some time to deal with a few things on my own.  Then I drove to the place I last held my girls.  I sat in the car for the longest just not able to move.  Then I finally made my way to the chapel where I spent some time with God.  Begged for His mercy.  Prayed the elevator doors wouldn't open or that it would crumble with me inside.  I sobbed and sobbed almost to the point I worried someone would come to see if I were okay.  But only God showed up thank goodness.  I didn't have it in me to deal with anyone else.  Just God!  Then when I finally was exhausted from crying I quickly walked to the elevator so as to not lose my courage.  Then I got on and pressed the button; number 3.  If there had not been a man on it I am certain I would not have gotten off when the doors opened but I did.  And there I crumbled.  The receptionist called for the charge nurse at my request, my special friend Chris who I just needed to hold me.  To hold me like she did my babies the night they were born and she did just that.  Comforting arms, the same ones that placed my precious girls on my chest.  She is more dear to me than she will ever know.  We talked for a bit and then I made it out to the APU unit where I will be spending the coming work days.  There my dear friend Kim comforted me with her words and embrace also.  We talked for a bit and the tears finally exhausted me again.  I knew that I had done what I needed to do and it was time to go home.  God had sustained me even though I begged that he would just close the door.

On my way home I spent some more time with God.  I have spent many a hour with other mothers in my shoes but never once did I imagine the extent of their pain.  The sorrow they feel, the heartbreak.  I saw myself telling them it was okay.  They did not have to be afraid.  That we would get through it together.  But the truth is, they should be afraid.  Their life is about to change forever.  Everything they have hoped for for their baby is lost.  Those things too but be grieved for.  All of their plans and dreams shattered right before their eyes.  I had misled them in the thought that we would get through this together.  The truth is, they go home and so do I.  They are left to heal and grieve without the immediate support of anyone that has ever been there but our God.  Sometimes they leave not even believing in a god.  How could our God, our loving God allow this to happen?  That's exactly what they leave there thinking, what "we" leave there thinking.  So we must travel this road either feeling lonely or drawing closer to a God we can not see, feel or hear.  He tells me that is what faith is all about;

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  Hebrews 11:1 

So tonight I pray that as I return to work tomorrow that God will strengthen my faith.  That somehow He will use me to strengthen someone else's faith.  That He will give me the opportunity to hold someone as I have needed to be held.  To tell them "we will get through this together" and then hold true to my promise.  For no one should have to go through this yet alone with out someone that has been there.  I don't even think I have ever been around anyone closely for a long period of time that has been through this.  At least not that I knew of. 

So God open a new door for me, a new beginning, a way to show your love and share my faith.  It doesn't make my days hurt any less at this point, but just knowing you are there shall sustain me.  I pray that you will guard my family as the coming days are going to be difficult.  Surround our home with your love and keep satan at bay.  Hold my children, all four of them in your loving arms and guard their hearts.  For they are the world to me.  Protect my husband from the grief that is within me.  In your precious son's name I pray....

He is the only one that has ever been there that is strong enough to hold us through this.  Open your heart and let Him in.  He did give His son for me and for you.  He knows how we feel, and is prepared to carry us when we can't stand on our own.


Monday, January 2, 2012

The Dreaded Call

It just came in.... that dreaded call that I myself could not even make.  I had to send a message for the call to The call that would determine what day I would return to work this week.  Return to the place I last saw and held my baby girls.  The call that I have been dreading for weeks now.  Lord please hold me....I don't know if I can do this.

"If only my anguish could be weighed and all of my misery be put on the scales!  It would surely outweigh the sands of the seas."  Job 6:2-3

Sunday, January 1, 2012

A New Year with a Sad Beginning

"Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;  my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief."  Psalm 31:9

A brand new year, a new day, and a sad beginning.  That is exactly how I felt as I gathered myself this morning and dressed for church.  I knew that the message would be full of freshness.  All the right beginnings for a new year.  A happy start; but that is not where God met me this morning.  I promise that right now I feel that if I were not chasing Him so hard at this point, He is definitely chasing me.  No matter where I turn He is there.  With the perfect words, message or arms.  From the devotional book I read daily from a coworker to the Sunday morning message at a church I have never attended, He Is There!!  The message full of new beginnings was directed at the new beginning today that is all part of God's perfect plan.  It spoke of the hard times of 2011, the sadness, the good times and the happy ones.  The need for a new beginning in Christ.  The gift that he gave us that said I will walk this year with you. A resolution to begin new, a promise that God uses all things to the good of those who believe.  And that is me, a believer no doubt, as hard as it is at times like these.  Yes I have yelled and screamed at God for this, I have cried out in my pain that He could have saved my girls, why did this have to happen.  But He knows that, and each time He has met me right there.  Right where I stand in my anger.  As a book that I am currently reading puts it, He is there saying "Bring it to me."  With each cry out, with each tear, with each outburst of fear or anger, with each moment of joy or sadness, BRING IT TO ME!  A message this morning for me to lay it down at the altar, leave it at His feet, and just like the dirty clothes I take off each night and leave at the end of the bed, He promises to pick it up and put it on.  He promises to bear this burden for me, to walk in the pain beside me, if only I will let Him.  So I must try as difficult as it is, especially in the days to come.  Dear Lord, I cry out, please come to me, hold me and comfort me.

I get into my car to drive home with the kids and we listen to praise music as we drive the block home.  And then I see it, a package placed on my front porch this morning after we left for church.  I wondered what it could be.  I picked it up and brought it inside.  There on the top was a card.  I opened it and began to read and as I did that is exactly where God met my tears.  A promise from a coworker to remember my girls.  Ornaments with their names and a gift basket.  A message of we miss you at work and will be there to help you through this as you return.  A message of the love of God reaching out to carry me.  You see one of my biggest fears is that others will forget.  Forget that they were my daughters, my husbands daughters, my children's sisters.  As I shared with Grayson and Evan through my tears as I read the card, part of what makes me so anxious and saddened is just that... that others won't remember.  But she did, this coworker that I haven't even know for long, she remembers them, by name!  And that my friends is God working in my healing process.  Him meeting me right where I am at any given moment, even this morning as I am forced to start anew.  Thank you Ellen, for the gift of your heart that you so kindly left at my door for me this morning.

Happy New Year Girls!  I Love you!