First I want to start with my nights...they were tough but at least like I said I felt God had given me somewhat of a heart to put back into it. There were many tears and hugs and even sometimes where I felt hurt and overwhelmed. But in those moments I just closed my eyes and called out to God, "I need you right now." And He did not fail me. I had a grace for my patients that I don't think I have ever quite felt before and that was reassuring. I still am uncertain about my future but He's providing just enough for me today and right now today is where I need Him.
The last three days have been extremely painful for me when thinking about the girls. Some of you may be able to relate and others not. Often times at night when all is quiet and dark, satan uses that time to really jump on our backs and he took full advantage of my fears the past three days. He put an obsession on me that has been very difficult to shake. My fear became that in some way my girls experienced pain as they died in my womb. That some how they hurt. I have to be honest and say that in all my years working L&D and NICU, I know I have never thought of that at all. I have often wondered what babied thought while they were inside, but never once thought about any pain they may have. So I had to know. I knew what I believed spiritually and I even began to question that, which is why it was so painful for me; but medically I needed to know. Even though I know the physiology of babies at certain gestations, I had questions. Thankfully, God but a physician in our lives that not only cares about our physical well being but also the spiritual and I can trust him to give me honest answers. So I sent him a message being that I couldn't just come out and ask him as we talked without sobbing. Needless to say, God came through in his answer.
"I don't believe they feel pain when they die of natural causes. I do believe there is sensation in utero. That includes the sensation of security and comfort." - Dr. Paul
Oh how I am holding on to those words right now. That even though I could not do anything to save my babies, somehow they felt comfort and security. Exactly what my heart was trying to believe but my mind just wouldn't let it. It's amazing how God uses others to speak His truths to our hearts.
And Dr. Paul wasn't the only one God used to speak to me last night. He used another friend to help me put a face to some of the other things that I have been feeling but not able to express. This friend, not that many years ago experienced an illness with her child that they feared my take his little life away from her. And during that time she fought through many feelings and emotions. One that she really struggled with was her anger at God. And I would not be being honest with you if I told you that I too have not been angry with God. Because I have. Lots of anger directed his way. Screaming at Him in my car, in the bathtub where ever I might be at any given moment when that anger overwhelms me. I don't understand!! I just don't . But His word tells us,
"You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." John 13:7
I HAVE to believe that or I could so easily let myself go to a dark place that I never want to be again. She went on to tell me a story and her feelings about it that put words to my feelings that I just hadn't been able to find. She told me that when her son was sick, a family member had held a moment of silence one night at a ball game to pray for her son. And that later after he was better someone had talked about the number of lives that had been changed and the believers that came to Christ all because of her precious child. But as she shared her response with me, my heart just broke because she was so human, so honest and so me! She shared that what she was really feeling was that she was not as big as God. She didn't want to sacrifice her child's health for all of those people. And neither did I! Not for anyone! I know that sounds not very Christlike, but it is the truth, and I think God understands that. I don't think he expects us to. What I do think is that He wants us to bring that hurt to Him. To just lay it all out for Him. To tell Him that it is not in our hearts to do that, and let Him deal with it from there. As selfish as it feels, I needed my babies and she needed her son as much as I feel others need Christ. My heart questions why we should suffer so badly in order for others to be saved? That is what Jesus came for. So yes I am angry, hurt and unwilling and that is where this verse comes to play.
"He must become greater, and I must become less." John 3:30
Because this is were healing takes place. When God is bigger than we could ever imagine. And for that to happen, we have to go to Him raw in heart. I am forever grateful that she shared her story with me and am even more grateful that God heard her prayers even when she didn't feel like praying and has her precious baby boy to hold at night. (And when I say precious I mean it; you should just see and hear about him!)
Finally God worked to convict me in the face of hurt feelings. There is a person I have always thought of as a friend that had not spoken to me at all. Of course the human side of me, made it all about me. How hurt I was that she had not spoken to me, not ever even thinking about what she may be going through. After feeling God urge me to make the first move I did. And come to find out it had nothing to do with me but everything to do with a pain that she was feeling. You see she is pregnant and has had a loss in the past that I was not aware of. So fear is in her heart and mind. And that I understand. All I could do was put my arms around her and tell her that I loved her and that I would be praying for her. Because I understand. I know how afraid she is and when I got home I wept for us both as I prayed God would surround her and protect her baby. I was also reminded of a message I received on facebook from a friend that said the same thing. Apologizing for the delay in her message because the pain of her past losses was just too much. I get that!! It all made perfect sense. Often times we shy away from sharing with others because of our own pain. So for me I am going to pray that God will not allow me to shy away. That he will use me and our story to Glorify His Name. To touch someone else when and where they need it. That somehow I will be able to realize that it is not about me! Please as you read this, pray for my friend.
In closing, tonight we went out to dinner and when we sat down, we were seated right beside a family that had a set of twins that appeared to be about 15 months old. My first thought was great, and I even told Glenn, of course they had to sit us here. Then it came, an overwhelming desire to close my eyes and pray for those babies and that is exactly what I did. I prayed for God's protection and love over them and then silently prayed with tears in my eyes that God would put a band aid on my heart long enough to stop the bleeding and thanked Him for my girls, Annalise and Emmalyn. For the love that they brought to our family.
"Father I thank you that you have heard me." John 11:41