I want to start by saying that I know without a doubt that God is in this! He has a purpose, but His purpose doesn't make my pain any less today. It doesn't make people wonder any less about what exactly is it that continues to hold you such hostage to your emotions. Why you aren't at least a little better by now. The answer is I don't really have an answer, all I can tell you is how I feel so here goes....
- I know that a mother's love was something I thought I knew a lot about before we lost our girls, but God has shown me that I knew very little. It is so much bigger than you could ever imagine.
- I know that as loving human beings, when we lose someone we love and attend a visitation at a funeral home we hope that we never have to go there again, yet everyday I walk into the hospital, it is like walking through the doors of that funeral home.
- I know that I am wearing clothes that I have not worn in I don't know when because somewhere thirty-five pounds worth of food was just too difficult to eat.
- I know that my eyes are so tired and teary that they hurt to blink.
- I know that I have prayed so long and so hard that at times I have prayed..".Lord forgive me because today I am just too tired to pray."
- I know that my heart and arms still long for a baby.
- I know that a little bit of makeup and a curling iron can hide a lot of things.
- I know that heartache makes others uncomfortable.
- I know that my God is gracious enough to promise me that I will be with my girls again one day.
And finally I know this...
That even in my very most brokenness, God lays thankfulness on my heart. Thankful for my husband, Glenn and my two beautiful children Grayson and Evan that are with me at home each day. Thankful for a family that I may have never know had it not been for Annalise and Emmalyn. And thankful this morning for a very special baby girl and the doctor that was brave enough to save her.
Oh what I wouldn't give to be 28weeks 4 days!