I would have been alone today and had planned on a lot of reading (trying to finish Isaiah and Jeremiah), possibly a trip to Botanical Gardens and a lot of prayer and pondering. God saw fit for me to not be alone and Evan spent the day at home sick with me. So though my plans were a little off, it was very comforting to not be alone.
I have thought much about my girls today. The happiness and laughter we we found out we were pregnant. The excitement of the kids when we told them we were going to have a baby. The overwhelming tears and laughter when we first saw "two" of them on ultrasound. What a double blessing. The awe I felt every time we watched them kick around on an ultrasound. The relief we felt when we were told they were Mono/Di and not Mono/Mono. All of the congratulations. The blessing of an even bigger family after such a long time. The excitement we all had to see them on ultrasound together that morning and then the nauseating feeling I had when our dreams were shattered. The tears and prayers we prayed for the two days after we lost Emmalyn. Then reliving it all over again on that Friday morning we lost Annalise. The heartbreak I felt walking both into and out of that hospital. The fear I felt when it was time and my doctor had not arrived yet. The beauty of my girls as they were layed in my arms and I held them for the first time. The guilt I have because I couldn't protect them. The pain I felt as I watched my husband's and my children's hearts break. The days I just layed in the bed not able to do anything. The decisions we had to make and the unfairness of our children being gone before us. The beautiful service that we had and all of those dear people that came to help us celebrate their lives. The scent of all the beautiful flowers in our house for weeks. The pain of celebrating Christmas after such a tragedy. The comfort we received from all of our family and friends. The hugs and prayers. The way that our friends and family so tenderly cared for us and continue to do so. The loneliness I felt after Glenn had to return to work and Grayson and Evan to school. The friendships that have been changed through this experience both in good and bad ways. The dreaded day I returned to work. The first time I went back into Labor Room 3. The first time I had to care for a mother with twins. The first time I had to do a delivery. The first time I held a baby after my girls. The first time I saw a mother lose her baby after me.
Oh how the pain has flooded my mind along with the happiness. But along with all the memories of my girls it felt only natural to think of others. Baby Victoria that is here with her parents and her baby brother that left this world too soon. Baby Moriah who I know in my heart is Annalise and Emmalyn's playmate. And of course her precious mom and dad. Baby Ashton and Eliza who I don't know personally but who have touched my heart so deeply during this time of healing. And Baby Girl Gould who has not been far from my thoughts since that dreaded day I first held her precious mother in my arms and later held her. All of the parents that have suffered this unbearable anguish that we so helplessly endure. How God has always given me a heart for these parents but never did I expect to join them. Then again they never expected to join either.
I have given thanks for my wonderful husband that has stood beside me during the good days and the bad days, feeling so helpless. For my children who have endured my tears and mood swings. How I wish I could have protected them all from this. My parents who pray for us daily. My friends and family who continue to pray for us and to send us encouragement and do not expect anything in return. The support of my coworkers that have allowed me to take this slow because Lord knows this has threatened the love that I have always had for my job in a major way. The support of a doctor that cares about our hearts and not just his paycheck.
So today I have talked to my girls and to my God. I have told them how much I love them and miss them. How I wish I could hold them. How I wish that today we were all one happy family all together instead of separated and so broken hearted. And then I prepared to release two of the softest pink balloons into the great wide open. And once again, I struggled to let go. It took much longer than I had anticipated but somehow just like that terrible day in November, God gave me the strength to do it.
And as they drifted away I pondered on these two very real verses from God's word.
4God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and death shall be no more, neither shall there be anguish (sorrow and mourning) nor grief nor pain any more, for the old conditions and the former order of things have passed away.
(The Amplified Bible)
3Yes, let us know (recognize, be acquainted with, and understand) Him; let us be zealous to know the Lord [to appreciate, give heed to, and cherish Him]. His going forth is prepared and certain as the dawn, and He will come to us as the [heavy] rain, as the latter rain that waters the earth.
(The Amplified Bible)
Thank you Lord for my precious girls and for your promise that although I feel sadness here on earth there will be joy in the morning.