I have avoided writing about this before now and I am not sure exactly why. Maybe it's the amount of pain that it causes each time I think of it, or maybe it's because this day was coming. None the less... here goes.
Shortly after the first of the year, we visited a new church. The music was beautiful, the sermon, was biblical and the people were friendly and welcoming. But I left the service that morning as fast I my feet would move, tears in my eyes, daggers in my heart, and absolutely no intentions of ever returning to that church again.
That particular Sunday a family was introduced to the congregation as new members. A young mom and dad with their precious twin girls. Twin girls only a few months old, probably born about the same time as mine. Oh how forgotten by God I felt that day. Those precious babies; why couldn't I be holding my precious babies?
But something drew us back there the next week. Actually my husband (and God) drew us back there the next week. After the sermon, I slowly walked my way to the front of the church to take communion crying the whole way only to be standing at the Lord's table beside the father of the twins. Felling once again, How could you do this to me God?
Many weeks have passed. Once more I have taken communion beside that father and one Sunday evening they sat on the pew directly in front of me. Out of the whole church, they came and sat directly in front of me. As we sang God's praise that evening, one of those babies sat in her car seat, looking straight up into my tearing eyes for what felt like an eternity, yet I couldn't look away. It was as if she were looking straight into my soul. A look that was grasping none other than my vulnerability.
Then came last Sunday. The last Sunday prior to my due date. What else could have possibly happened other than those precious baby girls being dedicated to the Lord as I sat and watched. Trying my best not to sob out loud but sobbing hysterically on the inside. The tears were flowing like a waterfall as my children held my hands and looked at me so helplessly. No idea what to say or how to fix it. We watched as they walked those beautiful baby girls up and down the aisle for all to see and my heart delighted and broke all at the same time. A feeling best described by Angie Smith in her book I Will Carry You.
"I can distinctly remember the way grief and joy danced together as if they had a right to."
Why have you forgotten me God? And then came the scripture reading:
"Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your mind?"
I have seen all to well how God has His hands all over me and my family and our loss. But still doubt rises. Lord please help me not to doubt that You are still in this. That You will bring me through this and that You will get great glory out of this.
But never would I have imagined that He would have me looking for those babies. God is good in all things.