The Scream of Vulnerability

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping,

carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." Psalm126:5-6

I have written this post a thousand times as it has played out in my mind and heart over the past several days but I continue to be distracted by one thing.....

The Scream.... The blood curdling scream!

A scream that I know all too well, but never let out except when I was alone. The scream of my heart followed by the pleads of my heart when I realized we had lost one of our precious girls. And then again when we lost the second one.

As I sat at the nurses station desk, listening and fighting back the tears, I was silently reliving it. That moment no parent should EVER have to endure, yet somehow it found me, and it found her. The what ifs, the guilt, the sorrow, the unspeakable pain, and then the shattering silence. I was not so simply reliving it! Oh how I prayed for that mommy as I drove home Saturday morning, and how I prayed for myself. That somehow, some way, God would protect me from many things: tears, pain, sorrow, shattered dreams, states, questions, all those things that make us vulnerable.

Vulnerability: susceptible to physical or emotional injury.

Something I have learned as an adult that I hate. I hate vulnerability with a passion. The thought of maybe even possibly being vulnerable makes my heart beat way to fast. It's too risky for me. It has always involved heartache or heartbreak for me. As far back as I can or care to remember. My deepest feelings are the ones I protect the most. Whether right or wrong, it is a protective mechanism I have carried for many years and I am definitely not ready to let it go yet. As a matter of honesty, I am probably more vulnerable when I write here in my blog, than I am at any other time or with anyone. I guess it's kind of sad in a way.

As I move past that scream, or maybe I should say through it, it is clear to me that God knew it was coming. He spoke His truths to me this week in preparation.

First through Romans 15:13

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him,

so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

I have read it before but it was so much more powerful as it rolled off the

tongues of a husband and wife simultaneously to me as we shared of our faith."

Then again the next day from a couple that had read my blog together and encouraged me to remember that God has a purpose and that He is going to use my pain for His glory. He picked up his Bible and read 2 Corinthians 1:3-7 straight into my heart.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion

 and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can

comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

 For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our

 comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation, if we are

comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces I you patient endurance of the same

 sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as

you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort."

It continues to amaze me how God always shows up in a  big way just when you need Him to. Even when we waiver in our faith. How He uses others to do His work. How He is always faithful even in the midst of "the scream".