Today has been a rough day! As a matter of fact I just finished apologizing to my sweet Evan for fussing at him and being grumpy today. I am not exactly sure where the anger I am feeling today is coming from. Maybe it's partly the first physical reminder from my body that my babies are physically gone from its protection. Maybe the fact that as I sat down to read my Bible last night it opened to the introduction pages. You know the ones where you record marriages, births, and now the deaths of my Annalise and Emmalyn. They should be writing that in their Bibles. It's not supposed to be this way. I tried to busy my mind with cleaning the basement, but as I sorted through there were too many pictures and old baby blankets and toys and the cradle and and and..... no wonder I am so angry.
Then there is the anxiety about returning to work next week. I don't know how in the world I am going to be able to do it. My husbands parents are coming into town to celebrate the holidays and I know that too will bring emotions. I guess that is how we get through things. Emotions: the good ones, the bad ones, the ugly ones, and the ones that always seem to find you when you least expect it. Speaking of...
Just as I am writing that it came to my mind. One year at Thanksgiving about three or four years ago, i was missing my family desperately. We never get to spend the actual holidays with our family as we both have lousy work schedules around the holidays. This particular year I requested to say grace as we prepared to have our meal. And as you would know, the tears began to flow. I am not sure how I made it through the prayer. Evan has never forgotten that and is always quick to remind people or even let people know that we do not know that "Mom always cries at Thanksgiving." And please don't ever give her "the card." Maybe somehow there was meaning in it being Thanksgiving that has always been so emotional for me. It will always be the emotional holiday for me now for sure. But maybe there is a message in the sadness. What it is I do not know yet, or if I will ever know, but maybe.
I think I am beginning to ramble a bit as the current message probably has no meaning to anyone other than me today but at least it is letting go of some of my anger. I still am grieving largely and feeling that extra maternal pull at my heart. I actually washed some of the girls clothes today, the only ones I had even purchased for them. Matching froggy outfits, striped gowns and tiny little hats and gloves. Probably shouldn't have but it made me feel more like a Mommy and less like a grouch. If only they had had the chance to wear them. I see them often in my mind and feel them always in my arms and in the huge crocodile tears that run down my face as I write. I love you precious girls!