Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Monday, March 19, 2012

Was I Dreaming Jacob's Dream

I have been thinking over the past few days about something someone said to me after reading my blog.  Her comment was that she was amazed at how I remembered the details of our story so clearly.  My reply to her was that she would too.  It really is a gift in a way, to be able to remember everything so vividly throughout this time.  For instance never being able to forget the exact day that we named our girls.  Oh what a blessed day that was.  Never being able to forget that day in the doctors office and the subsequent visit.  Never being able to forget our brief time we spent holding Annalise and Emmalyn.  To be able to picture them so perfect laying there in my arms.  A real treasured memory to me.  There are so many things that I remember so clearly and am thankful for.  Especially since there have been days when I questioned whether or not I would be able to remember anything.  I once told my friend that I was worried that over time I would forget.  Forget who was born first, Annalise or Emmalyn.  Who weighed what, which one was which, what times they were born.  Things that all parents of twins I am sure wonder.  But for me I just couldn't think about forgetting.  She told me that she hoped that one day, the pain would be less and that maybe like our other children that we confuse (you know how you call one the other or how some say that after years you forget which one weighed 6lbs 3oz and which one weighed 7lbs 1oz, or sometimes even call your children the the dogs name)one day I would be laughing as I tried to remember these same details about the girls.  I hope for me this is not the case.  I truly don't want to forget. 

I also have been thinking about the things that God has so blessed my heart with over the past week.  Especially in the world of work and babies.  We (my patient, myself, and I am sure many of my coworkers) have been eagerly awaiting the arrival of her twins for the past several weeks.  As the time drew closer I was really anxious and even worried how I would feel as her due date was just four days prior to mine.  It really is hard to believe that right now I could be, maybe even should be holding my girls as I would be 34 weeks and three days.  At the very least just a few more weeks.  However I was still very excited for her and her family and had a chance to really get to know her as I cared for her and those precious boys in her tummy over the last weeks.  Well finally they arrived.  Last week!  How precious they are!  So small and fragile, yet so strong.  Oh how that mother blessed me when she said go down and hold my babies.  I was hesitant at first, but mustered up just enough strength.  Actually I think God mustered it up.  So down I went and held one of those precious boys and fed him his 2oclock feeding.  That very action blessed me in some unexplainable way.  The chance to hold and love someone else's baby that we had been so eagerly awaiting.  And then I thought about my neighbor and her big boy that will be a year old in May.  How God just blesses my heart each time I see him and he gets so excited to see me.  Even reaching for me now.  I think he just knows he gets treats at Auntie Coker's house, but whatever the reason, it's ok with me.  I am so thankful that my heart has not become hardened to those that have or are what I so greatly miss.

Finally this morning I am thankful for a dream.  I am not one to dream often except for my bought of nightmares recently, and like I said before I certainly was not one to remember what I had dream.  But last night was different.  So real and so perfect in every detail.  Just like Jacob's dream from the Bible only a different subject matter.  Never have I ever had such a detailed dream.  I even woke up during the middle of it to go to the bathroom and when I layed back down and fell asleep it continued like it had never been interrupted.    I am not sure what it all means but never the less, I am sure it had its purpose. 

"When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought, "Surely the Lord is in this place,
and I was not aware of it."  He was afraid and said, "How awesome is this place! 
This is none other than the house of God; this is the gate of Heaven."
 Genesis 28:16-17 

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