Last night was the first night that I have attended a delivery since November 23. Something that I have been dreading in the worst kind of way since I returned to work. You can not even begin to imagine how just the thought of it made me have heart palpitations and break out in a cold sweat. But something or should I say "Someone", urged me to step out of the boat onto the water. Man was I terrified. For me, for the patient, for the doctor, for anyone who might have to witness what I was so uncertain of: what might happen in that room. I was able to spend some time with this young woman about to be a mother for the very first time just talking about what to expect and how it would all work before the delivery. I am not sure if God provided that more for me or for her, or maybe for us both. I felt myself fall back to those three days as a mother where I had been exactly where she was. Each time with different feelings, emotions, excitement and fear. I am almost shaking as I type it is so emotional for me. And then the time came, when she would welcome her beautiful baby girl into this world. As I walked to the door, with the same very doctor that delivered my girls, I braced myself and said a quick prayer. A prayer that God would give me the strength to finish what I had started. So we began. Nice and quiet just like I used too. Calm is best for me and the patient. But as we got closer, as I counted for her, my words began to get caught up in my throat and the more I counted, the more choked up I got. I am sure the doctor was thinking, okay is she going to make it through this. Fortunately, he had as much confidence in me as God did. As we came even closer to delivery and that mom reached down and touched her babies head, the tears began to flow. First small and I was able to blink them back, but as we pushed for that last time and that baby made it's way into this world, the tears began to run like a faucet. Yet in that very moment, there was something a tad bit healing taking place. I can't explain it and could not even begin to put words to it but my heart felt it. It was just as if I had stepped out of the boat like Peter and walked on the water.
“Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. Matthew 14:29
After it was all over, the patient having been keenly aware of my emotional state, asked several questions and I was honest about the situation. And God blessed me with her kind words. "I am so thankful that you were here with me. You made me so comfortable and I would not have wanted it to be anyone else." Words like that from patients that you have only just met are so tender to the heart. Especially when you are searching your heart for the answers to why it is that you do what you do.
The next several hours were difficult as well as I struggled to stay afloat of all the emotions that I was feeling. I was even a little standoffish, but not on purpose. But as I apologized for that, I was reminded by a very dear friend that "the love of Christ can heal everything."
After arriving home this morning, my friend Dawn stopped by to bring me a book that apparently is not even supposed to be out yet but she had run across it a a book store in Springfield. As I read through the first portion God spoke directly to my heart.
"Your Heavenly Father has given you talents and opportunities that are uniquely yours. And the very best day to seize those opportunities- and to share them with the world- is this day. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Not next year. Today." Laura Story
That is exactly what he helped me to do as He walked beside me and held my hand.
Thank you to all of you that were there and supportive in my journey last night. God too uses you all to serve a very specific purpose in the lives of other. And last night it just happened to be mine.
"Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life." James 1:12 MSG