A Joyous Day

Tonight I am awake after a somewhat successful day enjoying my family.  Lots of laughs and love.  I guess God just knew I needed a break today.  His Grace has been bountiful today.  But the devil lies in wait for the darkness.  That is the time when my mind starts to wander and wonder at the same time.  Everything becomes jumbled up in to one big mess that is like a ball of yarn tangled beyond help.  And that is what I begin to feel like.  Tangled beyond help.  And prayer is great but sometimes I have to say I still feel alone.  So I decided to read a book about prayer.  Right at this moment I can not even tell you the name of it as my short term memory loss is kicking in but I have learned two very important things about prayer.  God wants us to come to Him like children.  For a childlike nature is what we need in so many ways.  Even our prayer lives.  God wants us to come to Him messy!  Yes you heard me correctly; messy.  There is no need to clean ourselves up and then go to God.  For if that's the case we must think we are capable of doing it on our own and don't need God.  Take Him the messy....because we can not fix it without Him.  And that is just what children do when they pray.  They just lay it all out there, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The ask for what they want, they tell about their day, they reach for what they think might be impossible.  (As I have learned, the only limited on God are the ones I try to impose.)  This is one area I am going to be in prayer about....my prayer life.  Although it is there, it is not always strong and often my mind wanders all over the place especially since we lost the girls...and especially at night.  Like tonight as I was praying about my day, the guilt began to overwhelm me that I had actually had a pretty nice day.  How could I have had a nice day without my girls?  That's purely God's Grace!!  I want to go to Him messy and walk away messy in one less area so that I am driven to go back for more.  I want to experience Jesus Christ as my Father not as a follower.  I want to know Him so deeply that it physically hurts to not be in communion with Him. 

As I have searched over the past few weeks for comfort in my Bible, in books, prayers, and words of friendship from others, I was honored to receive and email from Angie Smith the author of "I Will Carry You."  Her book has been very heartbreaking but beautiful and encouraging.  But her word for me was "Prayer".  The best advice and comfort she could offer was prayer.  Just keep praying.  And so I will.... continue to pray fervently to the God of all creation, the one who holds my girls, knowing that one day He too will hold me right along with them.

Tonight I want to ask for a special prayer from you who are reading this blog whether you know me or not.  This is a special prayer for my dear husband Glenn.  While I have sometimes silently/sometimes not so silently been battling with my grief, it was brought to my attention that he has had to be the strong one for all of us.  And man has he been strong!  I'm not even sure how he has done it.  But tonight as we were talking about some important things in life he voices that he had not had the time he needed to deal with this yet.  And that I understand.  So I would ask you to pray that God will provide him with the place and the time to work on his own healing.  Because it is important for him, for us and for our family.  He is such a special man to me and I hate that he is having to go through this.  I hate that we are all having to go through this, but we all know men handle grief differently that women.  I want him to know he can share and cry and be weak in my arms and in Gods  That we will get through this together  The three of us.

Dear Father,

I open up my heart to you tonight in its messy state.  You know where I am standing and thankfully not everyone else does.  I don't want to come to you spiritually, I want to come messy and ask for your grace.  Father I lay my dear husband at your feet, in the hopes that he will lay his burdens down for you to carry.  For I know and you know it is more that either of us can carry alone.  But I am asking you to be "Strong enough, for both of us".  Bless our hearts that they may grow closer to you and closer to each other.  Bless our children each in their own special ways and needs.  How wonderful it is to know that two of our girls are safe from all harm.  No more tears, no more sorrow, no more pain only Heavens perfection.  Bless Grayson and Evan beyond measure in this life we have.  And from the bottom of my heart I ask you to walk deeply with me and my heart as there are times that I do not even know where the next step will lead or why. 

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  Psalm34:18