The First Step

Today was a very big day for me as I knew that I had to at least try to do something I was not sure I would be able to do.  I started off going to a meeting that really is not until next week but gave me some extra time by missing it.  I was not even sure how long the task would take so I texted my dear husband to let him know that I was not sure when I would be home but that I was okay.  I needed some time to deal with a few things on my own.  Then I drove to the place I last held my girls.  I sat in the car for the longest just not able to move.  Then I finally made my way to the chapel where I spent some time with God.  Begged for His mercy.  Prayed the elevator doors wouldn't open or that it would crumble with me inside.  I sobbed and sobbed almost to the point I worried someone would come to see if I were okay.  But only God showed up thank goodness.  I didn't have it in me to deal with anyone else.  Just God!  Then when I finally was exhausted from crying I quickly walked to the elevator so as to not lose my courage.  Then I got on and pressed the button; number 3.  If there had not been a man on it I am certain I would not have gotten off when the doors opened but I did.  And there I crumbled.  The receptionist called for the charge nurse at my request, my special friend Chris who I just needed to hold me.  To hold me like she did my babies the night they were born and she did just that.  Comforting arms, the same ones that placed my precious girls on my chest.  She is more dear to me than she will ever know.  We talked for a bit and then I made it out to the APU unit where I will be spending the coming work days.  There my dear friend Kim comforted me with her words and embrace also.  We talked for a bit and the tears finally exhausted me again.  I knew that I had done what I needed to do and it was time to go home.  God had sustained me even though I begged that he would just close the door.

On my way home I spent some more time with God.  I have spent many a hour with other mothers in my shoes but never once did I imagine the extent of their pain.  The sorrow they feel, the heartbreak.  I saw myself telling them it was okay.  They did not have to be afraid.  That we would get through it together.  But the truth is, they should be afraid.  Their life is about to change forever.  Everything they have hoped for for their baby is lost.  Those things too but be grieved for.  All of their plans and dreams shattered right before their eyes.  I had misled them in the thought that we would get through this together.  The truth is, they go home and so do I.  They are left to heal and grieve without the immediate support of anyone that has ever been there but our God.  Sometimes they leave not even believing in a god.  How could our God, our loving God allow this to happen?  That's exactly what they leave there thinking, what "we" leave there thinking.  So we must travel this road either feeling lonely or drawing closer to a God we can not see, feel or hear.  He tells me that is what faith is all about;

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  Hebrews 11:1 

So tonight I pray that as I return to work tomorrow that God will strengthen my faith.  That somehow He will use me to strengthen someone else's faith.  That He will give me the opportunity to hold someone as I have needed to be held.  To tell them "we will get through this together" and then hold true to my promise.  For no one should have to go through this yet alone with out someone that has been there.  I don't even think I have ever been around anyone closely for a long period of time that has been through this.  At least not that I knew of. 

So God open a new door for me, a new beginning, a way to show your love and share my faith.  It doesn't make my days hurt any less at this point, but just knowing you are there shall sustain me.  I pray that you will guard my family as the coming days are going to be difficult.  Surround our home with your love and keep satan at bay.  Hold my children, all four of them in your loving arms and guard their hearts.  For they are the world to me.  Protect my husband from the grief that is within me.  In your precious son's name I pray....

He is the only one that has ever been there that is strong enough to hold us through this.  Open your heart and let Him in.  He did give His son for me and for you.  He knows how we feel, and is prepared to carry us when we can't stand on our own.