It's been one week since Mother's Day and I still can't really believe that it has come and gone without us having our girls here. In fact sometimes it is really hard to believe that any of this has really happened. Chances are if I hadn't held those two tiny babies in my arms I am not sure I would believe it. Man this is really hard. Everything feels hard these days. I still would just love to lay in bed some days and let the time pass me by and sometimes when I am home alone that is just what I do. I still read and read and read hoping to find a glimmer of hope in my grief. I still cry every time I get in the car to go to work and in most church services. It is still hard to see little babies and pregnant women. Imagine that....the exact group of women that I work with. Lord give me strength is all I can think about that. I sure hope God gives me a glimpse of His plan some time soon.
This past month has been very emotional for me. My baby boy turned 11. My oldest daughter attend her first prom. Then she turned right around and turned 17 yrs old four days later. Where has the time gone? It seems like just yesterday they were just making there way into this world of ours turning our lives "right side up". There was Mother's Day and an extremely emotional week at work and then a baby shower and a first birthday.
Yes I attended a baby shower, in fact I helped host it but man was I nervous. I wouldn't have missed it for the world because it was for a dear friend but it was very hard to feel comfortable. I am typically a very sentimental type of gift giver, but my heart just couldn't do, so I put together a more practical type of gift. All the necessities. Laundry detergent, gas drops, Tylenol, Balmex, A&D ointment, snack cups, spoons, tissues, a book and some music along with a heart felt letter about motherhood. Thankfully God was looking out for me too. All the gifts seemed to be practical in nature. Not so sure how I would have handled a bunch of cute little outfits and blankets. Actually I know how I would have handled it, tearfully just as I feel now sitting here typing this. I too am very thankful that my friend understands. I am so very excited for her and know that she is going to make a great mommy. Oh to hear that word for the first time again...
Today was also a little emotional for me as it was my little Parker next doors birthday, #1. I think of all the things Sara and I had talked about our little ones doing together. We had such plans. It sure was great fun dreaming while we could. But as I watched him sit in that little highchair today, playing with balloons, singing happy birthday and the watching him carefully check out his very first birthday cake, I felt all of my dreams for my girls just swirling down the drain. The number of things that you remember you will miss is just more than you would ever imagine. Everything from their first sounds to their first prom and way beyond. It all lies right there under the surface just looking for a tiny hole to escape and believe me it only takes "tiny" for that to happen. You never know what and you never know when but believe me it is always just right under the surface. Thankfully today it didn't happen until I was safe at home.
Please God just give me a tiny glimpse of why or even what I am supposed to do from here. Help me to trust your faithfulness and continued healing (although sometimes it doesn't feel like healing at all).