Tonight I will once again return to work but this time with an open heart.  I have done much more praying over my job because it has for so long been such a part of who I am.  I have had many suggestions about job change, career change, going part time, staying at home, relocating, etc. which have probed a very deep investigation of my heart and much fervent prayer.  I have come to realize that although the circumstances are difficult, labor and delivery really is part of me, part of my soul and I can't imagine doing anything else.  So over the last week I have prayed hard for God to help me feel ready to go back.  And He has answered that prayer to the extent possible.  I don't know that one could ever truly be ready to face the place they last were with their loved ones, especially their children, but somehow I believe it is going to be part of my healing process.  How I don't know?  Why?  I don't know either.  Of course I don't even know why this whole thing happened.  But today after a long talk with an old friend, I am thankful for one very specific miracle that my God gave me that made it even possible for my precious girls to make their way into our lives and hearts!  I am thankful for the great grace an.d mercy of my God that assures me even on my darkest days that my Annalise and Emmalyn are in the loving arms of God, enjoying the things that I could never have provided for them here on earth no matter how hard I tried.  And the blessed assurance that one we will all be together again as family. 

In closing if you are reading this today, please pray for me tonight as I will spend 12 hours in the place I have dreaded for 2 months now.  The place that I just know in my heart God is going to show up with me and do a Mighty Healing in my life.  The place where my girls made their entrance into this sinful world we live in but never had to experience it's pain or sadness.  A place that for some reason today I am a slight nit thankful for in spite of my mourning.

Music for the Soul

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings; we pray for peace

Comfort for family; protection while we sleep

We pray for healing; for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

And all the while, You hear each spoken need,

Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things.

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops,

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom; Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we can not feel You near

We doubt Your goodness; we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your word is not enough

And all the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us; when darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our home

It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst

This world can't satisfy.

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

A Joyous Day

Tonight I am awake after a somewhat successful day enjoying my family.  Lots of laughs and love.  I guess God just knew I needed a break today.  His Grace has been bountiful today.  But the devil lies in wait for the darkness.  That is the time when my mind starts to wander and wonder at the same time.  Everything becomes jumbled up in to one big mess that is like a ball of yarn tangled beyond help.  And that is what I begin to feel like.  Tangled beyond help.  And prayer is great but sometimes I have to say I still feel alone.  So I decided to read a book about prayer.  Right at this moment I can not even tell you the name of it as my short term memory loss is kicking in but I have learned two very important things about prayer.  God wants us to come to Him like children.  For a childlike nature is what we need in so many ways.  Even our prayer lives.  God wants us to come to Him messy!  Yes you heard me correctly; messy.  There is no need to clean ourselves up and then go to God.  For if that's the case we must think we are capable of doing it on our own and don't need God.  Take Him the messy....because we can not fix it without Him.  And that is just what children do when they pray.  They just lay it all out there, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The ask for what they want, they tell about their day, they reach for what they think might be impossible.  (As I have learned, the only limited on God are the ones I try to impose.)  This is one area I am going to be in prayer about....my prayer life.  Although it is there, it is not always strong and often my mind wanders all over the place especially since we lost the girls...and especially at night.  Like tonight as I was praying about my day, the guilt began to overwhelm me that I had actually had a pretty nice day.  How could I have had a nice day without my girls?  That's purely God's Grace!!  I want to go to Him messy and walk away messy in one less area so that I am driven to go back for more.  I want to experience Jesus Christ as my Father not as a follower.  I want to know Him so deeply that it physically hurts to not be in communion with Him. 

As I have searched over the past few weeks for comfort in my Bible, in books, prayers, and words of friendship from others, I was honored to receive and email from Angie Smith the author of "I Will Carry You."  Her book has been very heartbreaking but beautiful and encouraging.  But her word for me was "Prayer".  The best advice and comfort she could offer was prayer.  Just keep praying.  And so I will.... continue to pray fervently to the God of all creation, the one who holds my girls, knowing that one day He too will hold me right along with them.

Tonight I want to ask for a special prayer from you who are reading this blog whether you know me or not.  This is a special prayer for my dear husband Glenn.  While I have sometimes silently/sometimes not so silently been battling with my grief, it was brought to my attention that he has had to be the strong one for all of us.  And man has he been strong!  I'm not even sure how he has done it.  But tonight as we were talking about some important things in life he voices that he had not had the time he needed to deal with this yet.  And that I understand.  So I would ask you to pray that God will provide him with the place and the time to work on his own healing.  Because it is important for him, for us and for our family.  He is such a special man to me and I hate that he is having to go through this.  I hate that we are all having to go through this, but we all know men handle grief differently that women.  I want him to know he can share and cry and be weak in my arms and in Gods  That we will get through this together  The three of us.

Dear Father,

I open up my heart to you tonight in its messy state.  You know where I am standing and thankfully not everyone else does.  I don't want to come to you spiritually, I want to come messy and ask for your grace.  Father I lay my dear husband at your feet, in the hopes that he will lay his burdens down for you to carry.  For I know and you know it is more that either of us can carry alone.  But I am asking you to be "Strong enough, for both of us".  Bless our hearts that they may grow closer to you and closer to each other.  Bless our children each in their own special ways and needs.  How wonderful it is to know that two of our girls are safe from all harm.  No more tears, no more sorrow, no more pain only Heavens perfection.  Bless Grayson and Evan beyond measure in this life we have.  And from the bottom of my heart I ask you to walk deeply with me and my heart as there are times that I do not even know where the next step will lead or why. 

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  Psalm34:18

With Great Thanks

I have not visited here in the past several days as a result of the grief that has taken over since my return to work.  I did complete one full twelve hour shift but just was not able to do it again last night.  The sad part is that for as long as I can remember Labor and Delivery has just been a part of me and now I'm not even sure I want to do it anymore.  I am extremely overwhelmed and thankful for all of the support I have gotten on this journey the past three days.  It has been very comforting yet my heart still aches like you would not believe.  Even yesterday morning as I drove home from work, I received several messages from those that had prayed for me most of the night.  One specific message from a friend here in St. Louis that I have know since before I married my husband, Dawn.  She has been special to me for many years ans for many reasons.  She spoke of this verse:

"For I am the Lord, your God,who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."  Isaiah 41:13

And then she pointed me to Proverbs 31 Ministries where they posted this quote from Corrie Ten Boom

 "When God allows extraordinary trials for His people, He prepares extraordinary comforts for them."

The tears just rolled so hard I was not even sure I could make it home, but when I did, my sweet husband was there waiting with open arms.  Lord thank you so much for Him.  My mom and dad continue to call and the pain is just too bad to talk.  All I can manage is a text and even that is painful.  I can still see them there holding our girls and wanting to hold me yet I just couldn't let them because all I wanted to do was hold Annalise and Emmalyn.  Oh the pain my mother must feel.

I am thankful that God has used my blog to touch the lives of those with pain buried deep inside.  For those that just needed to talk about there experience, and for those that truly just wanted to see deep into my heart.  The numbers have been astounding and I pray that they continue to grow.  Everyone's story is just as important as mine and I am thankful to hear them. 

Dear Lord,

As I spend time with you this morning, you know that once again tonight I must face the unbearable.  You know that I don't want to do it!  But I know that you are strong enough for both of us.  That you too have felt my pain not only when you lost your Son, but when I lost my girls and every day as long as my pain continues.  Please comfort me and my family in a way that only you can.  Hold us in your arms along with Annalise and Emmalyn.  Shower your love down upon us like the fresh fallen snow in the beauty of winter.  I love you Lord. Amen

The First Step

Today was a very big day for me as I knew that I had to at least try to do something I was not sure I would be able to do.  I started off going to a meeting that really is not until next week but gave me some extra time by missing it.  I was not even sure how long the task would take so I texted my dear husband to let him know that I was not sure when I would be home but that I was okay.  I needed some time to deal with a few things on my own.  Then I drove to the place I last held my girls.  I sat in the car for the longest just not able to move.  Then I finally made my way to the chapel where I spent some time with God.  Begged for His mercy.  Prayed the elevator doors wouldn't open or that it would crumble with me inside.  I sobbed and sobbed almost to the point I worried someone would come to see if I were okay.  But only God showed up thank goodness.  I didn't have it in me to deal with anyone else.  Just God!  Then when I finally was exhausted from crying I quickly walked to the elevator so as to not lose my courage.  Then I got on and pressed the button; number 3.  If there had not been a man on it I am certain I would not have gotten off when the doors opened but I did.  And there I crumbled.  The receptionist called for the charge nurse at my request, my special friend Chris who I just needed to hold me.  To hold me like she did my babies the night they were born and she did just that.  Comforting arms, the same ones that placed my precious girls on my chest.  She is more dear to me than she will ever know.  We talked for a bit and then I made it out to the APU unit where I will be spending the coming work days.  There my dear friend Kim comforted me with her words and embrace also.  We talked for a bit and the tears finally exhausted me again.  I knew that I had done what I needed to do and it was time to go home.  God had sustained me even though I begged that he would just close the door.

On my way home I spent some more time with God.  I have spent many a hour with other mothers in my shoes but never once did I imagine the extent of their pain.  The sorrow they feel, the heartbreak.  I saw myself telling them it was okay.  They did not have to be afraid.  That we would get through it together.  But the truth is, they should be afraid.  Their life is about to change forever.  Everything they have hoped for for their baby is lost.  Those things too but be grieved for.  All of their plans and dreams shattered right before their eyes.  I had misled them in the thought that we would get through this together.  The truth is, they go home and so do I.  They are left to heal and grieve without the immediate support of anyone that has ever been there but our God.  Sometimes they leave not even believing in a god.  How could our God, our loving God allow this to happen?  That's exactly what they leave there thinking, what "we" leave there thinking.  So we must travel this road either feeling lonely or drawing closer to a God we can not see, feel or hear.  He tells me that is what faith is all about;

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  Hebrews 11:1 

So tonight I pray that as I return to work tomorrow that God will strengthen my faith.  That somehow He will use me to strengthen someone else's faith.  That He will give me the opportunity to hold someone as I have needed to be held.  To tell them "we will get through this together" and then hold true to my promise.  For no one should have to go through this yet alone with out someone that has been there.  I don't even think I have ever been around anyone closely for a long period of time that has been through this.  At least not that I knew of. 

So God open a new door for me, a new beginning, a way to show your love and share my faith.  It doesn't make my days hurt any less at this point, but just knowing you are there shall sustain me.  I pray that you will guard my family as the coming days are going to be difficult.  Surround our home with your love and keep satan at bay.  Hold my children, all four of them in your loving arms and guard their hearts.  For they are the world to me.  Protect my husband from the grief that is within me.  In your precious son's name I pray....

He is the only one that has ever been there that is strong enough to hold us through this.  Open your heart and let Him in.  He did give His son for me and for you.  He knows how we feel, and is prepared to carry us when we can't stand on our own.

  

The Dreaded Call

It just came in.... that dreaded call that I myself could not even make.  I had to send a message for the call to The call that would determine what day I would return to work this week.  Return to the place I last saw and held my baby girls.  The call that I have been dreading for weeks now.  Lord please hold me....I don't know if I can do this.

"If only my anguish could be weighed and all of my misery be put on the scales!  It would surely outweigh the sands of the seas."  Job 6:2-3

A New Year with a Sad Beginning

"Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;  my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief."  Psalm 31:9

A brand new year, a new day, and a sad beginning.  That is exactly how I felt as I gathered myself this morning and dressed for church.  I knew that the message would be full of freshness.  All the right beginnings for a new year.  A happy start; but that is not where God met me this morning.  I promise that right now I feel that if I were not chasing Him so hard at this point, He is definitely chasing me.  No matter where I turn He is there.  With the perfect words, message or arms.  From the devotional book I read daily from a coworker to the Sunday morning message at a church I have never attended, He Is There!!  The message full of new beginnings was directed at the new beginning today that is all part of God's perfect plan.  It spoke of the hard times of 2011, the sadness, the good times and the happy ones.  The need for a new beginning in Christ.  The gift that he gave us that said I will walk this year with you. A resolution to begin new, a promise that God uses all things to the good of those who believe.  And that is me, a believer no doubt, as hard as it is at times like these.  Yes I have yelled and screamed at God for this, I have cried out in my pain that He could have saved my girls, why did this have to happen.  But He knows that, and each time He has met me right there.  Right where I stand in my anger.  As a book that I am currently reading puts it, He is there saying "Bring it to me."  With each cry out, with each tear, with each outburst of fear or anger, with each moment of joy or sadness, BRING IT TO ME!  A message this morning for me to lay it down at the altar, leave it at His feet, and just like the dirty clothes I take off each night and leave at the end of the bed, He promises to pick it up and put it on.  He promises to bear this burden for me, to walk in the pain beside me, if only I will let Him.  So I must try as difficult as it is, especially in the days to come.  Dear Lord, I cry out, please come to me, hold me and comfort me.

I get into my car to drive home with the kids and we listen to praise music as we drive the block home.  And then I see it, a package placed on my front porch this morning after we left for church.  I wondered what it could be.  I picked it up and brought it inside.  There on the top was a card.  I opened it and began to read and as I did that is exactly where God met my tears.  A promise from a coworker to remember my girls.  Ornaments with their names and a gift basket.  A message of we miss you at work and will be there to help you through this as you return.  A message of the love of God reaching out to carry me.  You see one of my biggest fears is that others will forget.  Forget that they were my daughters, my husbands daughters, my children's sisters.  As I shared with Grayson and Evan through my tears as I read the card, part of what makes me so anxious and saddened is just that... that others won't remember.  But she did, this coworker that I haven't even know for long, she remembers them, by name!  And that my friends is God working in my healing process.  Him meeting me right where I am at any given moment, even this morning as I am forced to start anew.  Thank you Ellen, for the gift of your heart that you so kindly left at my door for me this morning.

Happy New Year Girls!  I Love you!