What Do I Know of Holy

Last night as I listened to the story of a new mommy that has just found out she is expecting twins, my heart immediately drifted back to September 8, 2011.  The day my husband and I held hands as we saw those two tiny heart beats for the first time.  The happiness, the surprise and the tears of joy.  I love my precious Annalise and Emmalyn as much today as I did that day.  And the pain is as bad today as it was on Wednesday November 23, Friday, November 25, and Saturday November 26th.  The only difference is that God has given me the strength to grieve and cope more effectively than in the beginning.  I am so thankful for the short ultrasound video I have to hold on to.

Last night I could have easily just melted into pieces.  There were tears and my heart aches but it is bittersweet.  How happy I am for this new mommy while at the same time so sad that I will never get to be with my girls this side of Heaven.  I am very in tuned to the fact though that my blessings and sorrows have nothing to do with the blessings and sorrows of others.  God did not let me lose my girls only to bless someone else in my face.  He doesn't work that way.  We all deserve each blessing that God gives us and not because of our works but because of God's mercy and grace. 

Music plays a big role in my life and I look for God's comforts there often.  I am sure you have noticed that as my songs here often change.  But as I drove home this morning I listened What Do I Know of Holy by Addison Road.  As I listened to the words, I thought about how my story has unfolded.  And the truth in the words.  What do we really know of Holy?  Can we even begin to imagine it?  The touch of Our Saviors hands on our face, wounds that heal?  What do we really know?  One line in the lyrics says, "I think I made you too small."  One thing that I know of Holy, is that I refuse to make my God too small.  He is going to bring a great joy to my life and not only replace my anguish with joy, but turn it into joy.  What a way to honor my girls! 

Dear Annalise and Emmalyn,

How my heart aches as I should be preparing for your arrival this week.  Somehow we ended up on a different path.  A path of Holy.  And although my heart breaks I am comforted by your presence with a Savior that touches your face, and looks into your eyes, and still has enough left to hold me in my pain.  The moment I saw the two of you, was a moment that God truly gave me a glimpse of who He might be.  Forever in my heart and around my neck.

Mommy